Another hi-larious excerpt from a book you’ve never heard of.
I guess I could give get-rich-quick schemes a try again.
They never seemed to work for me in the past but I’m older now—wiser, too!
But what kind of scam would I pull?
I could call random telephone numbers out of the phone book and pretend to be a long lost relative in need of a loan.
Random schmuck: “Hello?”
Me: “It’s me, Uncle (purposely unintelligible).”
Random schmuck: “I’m sorry, you must have the wrong number.”
Me: “What’s your uncle’s name?”
Random schmuck: “I have several uncles.” (This is a very patient random schmuck.)
Me: “Well, can you name some of them for me?”
Random schmuck: “John and George, Paul and Ringo.”
Me: “Your uncles were named after the Beatles?”
Random schmuck: “No. Only Uncle Ringo. The rest were named after garbage men.”
Me: “Oh, well, this is Uncle Paul.”
Random schmuck: “This doesn’t sound like Uncle Paul.”
Me: “I got that, um, ambrosia. Yeah, that’s it, ambrosia.”
Random schmuck: “You mean ‘amnesia’?”
Me: “Uh, yeah, that too.”
Random schmuck: “But that doesn’t explain why your voice sounds so different.”
Me: “Well, uh, I forgot how to talk like myself. That’s why I couldn’t remember which one of your uncles I was.”
Random schmuck: “Oh. Makes sense.”
Me: “So, can I borrow fifty bucks.”
Random schmuck: “Wait, is this my brother Ben?”
Me: “Who is this?”
Random schmuck: “You still owe me fifty bucks, you sonofabitch.”