Realistic descriptions of 53 Disney movies

not mickey mouse

Insomnia strikes again.

Instead of using all those hours I cannot sleep to work on my big epic slavery novel—yes, there really is one in bits and pieces—I decided to write more realistic descriptions for some of Disney’s biggest movies.

Why? Not even my therapist knows.
Please enjoy this bit of self-sabotage.

  1. Woodland communists pilfer the coffers of job creators and redistribute wealth back to the lazy 47 percent. Also, arrows.
  2. Naive housekeeper shacks up with a half-dozen-or-so midgets so you’d think, at some point, there’d be an awkward orgy but no.
  3. Heroic! Dog! Betrayed! By! Immature! Owner! Boom!
  4. Lonely pedophile’s sex doll comes to life. Also, other stuff happens.
  5. Mickey Mouse trips balls for two hours and five minutes. Beware the dancing broom.
  6. Mutant elephant baby breaks free from slave-masters. Racist birds crack wise. Circuses are evil. Seriously, animal slavery is a crime against nature.
  7. Young deer wanders wilderness after parents are slaughtered.
  8. The only way out of an abusive home for a young girl treated like an indentured servant is to find a rich white man. But, what’s new?
  9. What it must look like inside the drug-addled mind of a sexually ambiguous poker player with an eating disorder. (Hint: just remember what the dormouse said.)
  10. A-sexual man-child hounds one-handed shipping magnate through Florida Everglades. (At least, I think it’s in Florida.)
  11. Sooo far under water.
  12. Dogs from different socioeconomic worlds meet. Dogs fall in love. Dogs eat spaghetti. Ironically, movie contains no doggy-style.
  13. Beautiful coma victim can only be cured by sexual assault from an elitist already in jail for god-knows-what.
  14. Lawyer-turned-dog makes trouble for pharmaceutical company.
  15. Delusional girl refuses to see the awful truth all around her.
  16. Fencing Mexican foilz bad guyz.
  17. Mean bitch tries to steal bitch’s bitches to make a fur coat.
  18. This guy should not be working in the laboratory.
  19. Asshole twins refuse to accept parents’ divorce.
  20. Singing nanny endangers lives of children but it’s OK because Dick Van Dyke dances with penguins.
  21. Black pussy credited with FBI’s ability to bust kidnapping ring.
  22. Brown kid does brown kid stuff in a rain forest while being chased by a snake and a tiger.
  23. Animated Volkswagen has various adventures. Whether the car is possessed by its co-creator Adolf Hitler is unclear.
  24. Kurt Russell rips off Flowers for Algernon, sort of.
  25. Stupid boy from the northeast hallucinates large reptile.
  26. Tragic racial allegory explained to children with a red fox and a hound dog.
  27. Wife, I minimized the children in an otherwise tired premise. What happened to me? I used to be on SCTV.
  28. Half-fish half-human girl wants to live on dry land in order to get some mammalian D.
  29. Miserly Scottish duck’s greed knows no bounds. Also, he inherits triplets.
  30. Rodents have high adventures in Australia.
  31. Ugly rich dude. Poor hot girl. Evidently, this movie is based on true events of everywhere always.
  32. Emilio Estevez coaches a terrible hockey team—why not?
  33. Radical Islamic terrorist dabbles in the dark arts in order to bed a hot persian chick and gain wealth. Plus, Robin Williams.
  34. Age-old story of a divorced parent using the kid for economic gain. Apparently, Mark Twain felt 219 was the perfect number of times to use the king daddy of racial epithets.
  35. Jamaican bobsledders and, for some reason, John Candy.
  36. Candy bar namesakes fuck shit up old school during the French Revolution.
  37. Jeremy Irons kills his brother James Earl Jones in a power grab. Then, Nathan Lane and some fat guy escort an effeminate lion cub across Africa for revenge.
  38. That other movie that mixes Biblical themes and baseball. If you build it, Christopher Lloyd will come.
  39. Bad father accidentally kills and assumes the identity of a beloved children’s icon.
  40. The secret lives of playthings.
  41. A kid with big fruit.
  42. Freak in a church falls for a girl way out of his league and the town is so pissed.
  43. Brendan Fraser tries unsuccessfully to reprise his role as Stoney. (He’s no Johnny Weissmuller.) This movie could have been greatly improved with some Samwise and the Weasel … bu-u-u-ddy.
  44. Dog plays basketball and, apparently, everyone is OK with this.
  45. Matthew Broderick is a mentally impaired robot detective. Completely unwatchable.
  46. Joe Dirt becomes a llama. David Puddy hunts him down. Much funnier than you’d think.
  47. Hillbilly grizzlies screwed over by Christopher Walken.
  48. A look inside the juvenile criminal justice system with haunted Jewfro Shia Labeouf.
  49. Lost fish eventually relocated. Folks on dry land couldn’t care less.
  50. Refugees (not Syrian) get sidetracked (not prostitution) on the way to Australia (not Austria) and go native (not interracial marriage.) But, oh, what a tree house they build!
  51. Unpopular orphan wins contest and becomes king.
  52. This movie is not nearly as dirty or interesting as the title might suggest. Think less “50 Shades of Grey” and more Angela Lansbury as a Nazi-hunting witch.
  53. Guy gets sucked into a computer and battles a virus way before anybody knew what computers were for or what the hell a computer virus was. For some reason, everything is neon blue.

More funny stuff in my new book Frickin’ 40: Funny Stories About Middle Age


Spit it out, junior

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