My midlife crisis bucket list

There is zero chance I’ll be getting a new sports car or a hot little mistress or any of the neato toys the other fathers will get for their midlife crises so it’s up to me to make my own fun.

With that in mind, I present to you my midlife bucket list. The following are listed in order of how badly I had to pee when I wrote this list.

Enjoy it or don’t … you’re not paying for it.

• Punch a shrimple

• Kiss Tom Selleck (but would settle for a hug)

• Beg a little person for forgiveness (stop calling them “shrimples”)

• Read all Marvel’s “Secret Wars” I and II

• Send death threat to Jimmy Fallon (watching you, laughing boy!)

• Get restraining order filed against me by Jimmy Fallon

• Moon a cop

• Get maced by a cop

• Have beer with cop who maced me

• Laugh while he maces someone else

• Become pen pals with an Amish

• Win a trophy in something, anything

• Build something out of LEGOs

• Paint a picture of the fabled bat-bunny

• Eat a blueberry cheesecake

• Get drunk and light off fireworks inside LEGO creation (kaboom!)

• Throw-up most of a blueberry cheesecake

• Fly a helicopter around a parking lot (no higher than 10 or 12 feet)

• Baba Booey CNN (look it up)

• Meet John Waters for coffee and cigarettes (try not to swoon)

• Dip a sleeping person’s hand in warm water to see if they pee the bed (I don’t care if you know it works. I wanna see it for myself.)

• Get ass kicked by drowsy person in wet pants

• Let a monkey loose in a courthouse

• See how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop (without cheating) – Wiggle eyebrows at people while licking, then try to explain to cops I’m not a pervert

• Learn Chinese

• Swear in Chinese at a person who does not speak Chinese

• Call Buckingham Palace and ask if they have Prince Albert in a can

• Drink entire bottle of prune juice … and wait

• Give a Jehovah’s Witness who comes to my door a Spider Man comic and ask if they’ve heard the good news about Stan Lee … then sick attack hippo on them (Be sure to get attack hippo)

• Forward mail to White House; see how long before anyone notices

• Replace church organist’s sheet music with death metal

• Give homeless person a bag of money

• Dress in drag and perform “I touch myself” in a burlesque theater

• Watch Blade Runner, Vertigo & Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

• Mix and drink a Shirley Temple

• Officiate a gay wedding

• Send batch of Ex-Lax chip cookies to DMV (sit in lobby & wait)

• See both kids living on their own

• Shave my head bald again

• Sit in bathtub on hill at sunset while sipping wine

• Eat a piece of apple pie with cheddar cheese on top

• Pick up a hitchhiker

• Survive hitchhiker attack

• Convince cops hitchhiker was not a hooker

• Build a doll house for wrestling action figures (replica of Pee Wee’s Playhouse should do)

• Eat a six-pack of Taco Bell hard shell tacos … with beef!

• Run down street naked, screaming “Save me Jesus!”

• Get a star named after me

• Go drunk driving on a lawnmower

• Spend the night in the drunk tank

• Get lawnmower out of impound

• Return neighbor’s lawnmower

• Make hot sauce popsicles for my nephews

• Do something hilarious just before I die like maybe say “Pudding pop!” in Bill Cosby voice or do the robot. (By “do” the robot, I mean the dance, not make sweet love to a robot)

Spit it out, junior

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