Just in time for the 2016 presidential race, yet another jackass with all the answers—ME!
Though often wrongfully attributed to Winston Churchill (and, really, what isn’t wrongfully attributed to the chubby little drunk?) the axiom that one who is not a liberal when young has no heart, and one who is not a conservative in his later years has no brain, is still an interesting one.
I think it was Winston Churchill who also once said, “Politics shmolitics!” (Or was that Benjamin Disraeli?)
Anyway, there was a time when I really gave a rat’s ass about elections and political parties.
By the by, what is up with that saying? “I don’t give a rat’s ass.”
It means you don’t really care. So, does that mean if you do care you’d be willing to give a rat’s ass?
And, if you did, who would want one? How much can a rat’s ass be worth?
The Wife: “I really love you and I care deeply about your feelings.”
Gohs: “Oh, I am so glad to hear that.”
The Wife: “Here, I got you something.”
Gohs: “Oh, what is it?”
The Wife: “It’s that rat’s ass you’ve been asking for.”
Gohs (wipes away tear): “I hope it’s the brown one!”
Anyways, my political awakening occurred after a long unhappy childhood as a strict Republican.
I began life as an impoverished neo-con. If the gays are Log Cabin Republicans then we were the Cardboard Box Republicans, those pitiable poor types who favor all the same things their wealthy counterparts pretend to espouse—self-sufficiency, hawkish foreign policy, an end to the welfare state and so on—and all to our own detriment.
Nonetheless, I deplored those whiny liberals with their public handouts and touchy-feely social programs just as much.
But, then, something happened over the period of several years that began to soften my crusty exterior and open my mind up to the idea that all of us are alone in this great universe and so we should damn well take care of each other.
Nowadays, I am more middle of the road, looking fondly on America’s mix of perks for the ambitious and safety net for the less fortunate.
Oh, sure, I still believe everyone should do his part to make society safe and healthy, and I am all for rewarding those who go above and beyond what is expected of them.
But, I no longer fall for the line that the handful of rich people in this world all got there because they are simply more talented and hardworking than the rest of us.
Unless you think Bill Gates worked four billion times harder than you do at your job.
So, what could it have been that changed me so? Well, as it so often happens, you hear about some guy who was anti-gay his whole life until his son came out of the closet, and then the father had a change of heart.
Or, the rich guy, who thought all poor people were just lazy, until circumstance found Mr. Big-Bucks down in the gutter, giving hobo hand-jobs for apple cores, through no fault of his own.
My political awakening was like none of those. I began changing my mind because of talk radio.
I listened to right-wing talk radio five days a week for at least four years before coming to the realization that these guys were just mean and stupid, and that their self-contradictory, childish views of the world were not for me.
To be fair, I never had much love for the Democrats, either.
They always just seemed to be Republican-lite, like the diet Mountain Dew of ideological bullshime. And, so, I decided to just withdraw from politics altogether.
I stopped voting, I stopped lecturing coworkers on the evils of “the other guy” and I quit writing politically motivated columns for the newspaper at which I worked.
Presently, I don’t do too much opining on politics nor economics. I’m simply too busy running my businesses to protest. But, In my younger days I did sit on the fence and fling my fair share of poo, at my leisure, at the foot soldiers from all the parties.
And, having gone through quite an extreme spectrum, from conservative Republican to Libertarian to Democrat to Marxist to a 50/50 mix of socialist and capitalist with just the right mix of Green Party, and finally to bleeding-heart Libertarian, I feel like I’ve had enough vantage points from extremist ideologies to offer a comprehensive look at this diverse fustercluck we call “Democracy.”
(I know, someone with more broken TVs than teeth and waving a Confederate flag just screamed, “It’s not a Democracy, it’s a Republic!”)
The American political system has its perks but it also has plenty of flaws. But, whenever I begin to point them out, there are always those voices saying “Oh, you’ve got a better idea?” or “What are you, some kind a communist?” or “Stop hitting on my wife!” The fact is that I do have better ideas than those policies currently used to run our local, state and federal governments. And, no, I will not stop hitting on your wife.
Therefore, being the reliable source of information and insight you’ve come to know and trust for the last few dozen pages or so, I give you Gohsarchy.
The rules under Gohsarchy are so painfully easy that most people ironically find them confusing. Some might even say the structure is downright ridiculous. To them, I say, “Watch your ass!”
Rule #1 – You must be 37 years old to vote. Let’s face it, when you were 18 you were still incapable of doing a great many things right in your life. Those incapable of balancing a checkbook, returning items they borrow or listening to decent music should be kept as far away from the voting booth as possible. You want to have a say in how the country is run? Come back and see us when Lady GaGa no longer sounds good and your credit score is above 650.
Rule #2 – Campaign finance. Do they expect us to believe that it’s just a coincidence that he who raises the most money is more often than not the one who ends up in office? About as much of a coincidence as … as … as something coincidental, that’s what!
Under Gohsarchy, all campaigns would be publicly funded. Each person who ran for office, regardless of whether it was for local dogcatcher or U.S. Senate, would get a stipend of $5,000 and no more. You don’t get to raise funds. Nobody can donate to your campaign, and there would be three televised debates for every race that would get played on every major network and streamed to the web.
The public campaign funds would be kept topped off by a new “Annoyance Tax.” This tax would be retroactive to 1999, and would fine anyone misusing certain words, like, “Epic, sketchy, sick” or any utterance of “YOLO” or “Cray cray” for $100 per violation.
Also, any “family values” politician who is later caught having an affair with a member of their own sex, or any politician who so blatantly and severely contradicts himself would also be fined.
For example, voting against providing medical care for the poorest among us while simultaneously voting to increase the amount of money America spends on its war machine under the guise that the health and safety of the American people cannot be measured in vaccines and physicals but that it can be in the number of bullets and rocket launchers we give to third world thugs … that’s a no-no.
Rule #3 – You must have the skills to pay the bills. It’s fine for an asthmatic 15-year-old to pretend to be Jamrod, the 12th Century warrior mage from beyond the Ghastly Zone.
However, we must stop running this country like it’s a game of Dungeons and Dragons.
If your biggest claim to fame is porking chubby secretaries in your Little Rock law firm, or shooting slow-moving wildlife from an attack helicopter, your application is going straight to the basket with the Thorazine admirers and the guys who think the X-Files is real.
Rule #4 – Foreigners can run for all offices. If it’s one thing I’m sick of hearing, it’s my fellow Caucasians screaming about how they want their country back. Excuse me, you want your country back? I have a feeling there are a handful of people who might disagree with the pecking order on that one.
What my pasty brothers and sisters fail to realize is that this is a nation of immigrants.
OK, so they were mostly angry white immigrants who couldn’t understand why God would lead them to a new nation only to leave a bunch of half-naked heathens all over the place. But, frankly, I think this nation could benefit from some outside perspective.
Maybe if we were forced to learn that we’re not the only people on the planet who matter, we might stop being such world-class assholes about everything.
Don’t worry, Hubert, having to hear someone speak a language other than English isn’t going to make your wife’s tits fall off or anything.
And, who knows, you might actually learn something about geography other than that the Tim Horton’s is up two blocks from the Walmart. (Doesn’t Tim Horton’s have the best coffee?)
Rule #5 – Pay and perks. I don’t expect it to solve a lot of social issues but these monkeys we’re sending to have feces fights in congress and the senate would be overpaid if we compensated them in bus tokens and lard sandwiches.
The fact that they make anywhere from $200,000 on up to $400,000, not including benefits and perks, is downright disgraceful for folks who work part-time in air-conditioned offices while folks are busting real ass to barely make ends meet.
Therefore, under the super keen rules of Gohsarchy, all state and federal politicians—including the president—will earn the current American median income of $50,017. It’s a very respectable amount for where I come from, and paying these self-serving tools closer to what real people are making should help assuage some of the angst we feel when we vote for their dysfunctional asses. (By the way, before you politicians start complaining, most working folks aren’t making near $50,000 a year.)
Rule #6 – No more job jumping. Beginning immediately, there will be a 10-year-long embargo preventing politicians from working as lobbyists or paid political consultants—other than for political campaigns. There will be no more of this congress-to-corporation mutual masturbation that’s gone on too long.
Rule #7 – No more partisan elections. Under Gohsarchy, we will vote for the person, not the political party because there won’t be any. You want team sports, go watch women’s synchronized scissoring or something like that.
Rule #8 – Greater access to the polls. Under Gohsarchy, people will be able to vote from any digital device, from smart-phone to laptop, in addition to being able to go to the traditional locations. In this day of never-before-dreamed-of technology, there simply is no valid excuse for making people line up for hours like wombats in the kill line at the hotdog factory. (It’s an Australian hotdog factory.)
After all, if people know they can have a little tender “alone time” right after they vote, I’ll be much more likely to participate. (I mean “they,” they’ll be more likely to participate.) I expect as near a 100 percent voter turnout as is statistically possible.
Rule #9 – No more negativity. Your mother always said if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. That rule will apply under Gohsarchy.
No negative campaign ads will be allowed.
You either have to talk about yourself or say something nice about your opponent.
Also, whoever loses the election will have the opportunity to work on the cabinet of the person who won. This will help ensure everyone is represented.
Rule #10 – Liberty for all. Personal choices that do not directly affect or harm others will no longer be fodder for ballot measures. You and your gay lover wanna snort cocaine and shoot off machine guns to celebrate your black atheist wedding, then you work it, girl!
As long as you don’t take out any street lights or ejaculate on public property, you’re untouchable! (And not in that creepy Hindu way, either.)
Note to self: add “shoot out street lights” and “ejaculate on public property” to bucket list.