What’s depressing about middle age?

Signs you are suffering from middle age depression include the following:

HYGIENE – You used to shower, shave and put on fresh clothes just to run to the corner store for milk and cigarettes.

Nowadays you have no problem grocery shopping in flip-flops and sweats with a half a butt cheek hanging out.

When people ask more than once if you’re ready to go, it’s because they are shocked at what you plan to wear out of the house.

HAIR – There was a time when your hairstyle said a lot about you, and it still does.

Except, instead of it telling people you care about your appearance, it now hints at the underlying despair every waking moment serves you.

The typical men’s “I gave up” hairdo consists of a buzz cut with anywhere from a quarter of an inch to a full inch of hair left on the head.

This cut, popularized by Appalachian middle-schoolers screams “Pass the Skoal” and “Shut yer mouth, devil woman, these food stamps is mine!”

The ladies, on the other hand, tend to go for the look made famous by Pat Benetar in the ‘80s. It’s short, black and straight, and lets everyone know you are down with the husky lesbians.

DIET – You haven’t been on one in years and it shows. Nowadays you do most of your eating out of containers.

Oh, sure, there was a time when candlelight dinners filled your day planner but lately the elegance of plates and flatware has been replaced by the convenience of Styrofoam and sporks.

Your friends and family may have concerns over the stacks of cardboard and plastic boxes threatening to bury you and your nine cats but they just don’t understand the benefits of takeout dining.

If you cannot finish the portion, all you need do is close the lid.

It’ll still be there on the coffee table when you reach for it next Thursday.

Besides, lots of people don’t cook for themselves or wash their own dishes.

Does Bill Clinton cook his own meals?

Do you think Julius Caesar ever washed a dish?

Who would dare tell Mussolini to set the table for supper?

Leaving culinary matters to others also gives you all kinds of time to pursue other interests, like gently sobbing in the dark or obsessing over all the horrible diseases you’re silently developing from your diet of takeout food.

ISOLATION – Withdrawing from family and friends is a sure sign something isn’t right. (Was there ever a time when you actually wanted to go to a family get-together?)

Either way, if you’re doing the hermit thing, then you are bound to be making excuses in order to avoid contact with others.

The worst excuse I ever gave for not going somewhere was that my grandmother had died. Granted, she’d been in the ground for going on three years but, in my defense, she had died.

The best excuse I ever gave was that I thought I was having a heart-attack.

In both cases the recipient of my lies was unimpressed and unconcerned. (I need to get better friends … and stop lying!)

Spit it out, junior

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