I recently read Roz Warren’s funny piece on superpowers http://humoroutcasts.com/2015/my-kind-of-superpowers/ and was inspired to pen my own similar column.
Her “My kind of superpowers” detailed some of the supernatural abilities over life’s annoyances that she’d like to possess.
It was a good list that included the power to get good parking spaces, silence loudmouth jerks and remove all the unhealthy stuff from desert. And, it got me to thinking about the kinds of superpowers I’d like to have for myself.
Of course, If I’m gonna have superpowers, I’m gonna need a super outfit. (I can’t be the only gal at the ball without a snazzy costume.)
I guess footwear is as good a place as any to begin. I’m thinking silver moon boots with red knee socks.
Add navy blue spandex short pants and a fire engine red long john top with a zippered neck hole (That’s a “Henley” for you fancy types.) and navy blue suspenders.
Then there’s the cape—oh yes, there’s a cape—which shall also be navy blue and adorned with my initials embroidered in silver thread. And, across the back, in sequins, the Taco Bell logo.
- I want to be able to talk just like Morgan Freeman – this power would be used to freak out the pizza delivery guy and make prank phone calls.
- The ability to win at hashtag wars on @Midnight – this power would be used to become a recurring guest on the Comedy Central show, hosted by Chris Hardwick.
- Find Jimmy Fallon funny – I feel like I’m the only one left outside of a big party that’s going on. I mean, he was handed the Tonight Show, so he must be hilarious.
- Fly – I don’t mean sprout wings and soar through the air. I mean have the courage to get on a plane.
- Drain a can of tuna fish without incident – Get through making tuna without cutting my thumb on the lid or squirting that stink water all over myself.
- Turn any food item into Taco Bell – And, turn any Taco Bell into Pamela Anderson.
- Read the minds of dogs – I have to know what’s going on in there. I just have to.
- Get through the night without a trip to the bathroom – Pretty self-explanatory. If you want more details, come over, and bring wine.
- Ability to NOT stare at other women’s cleavage – This superpower will be used to keep me from getting slapped.
- Turn into the Incredible Hulk – But, only when someone needs help moving furniture. “Please don’t make me carry this box upstairs. You wouldn’t like me when I put my back out.”
- Pull my head into my body like a turtle – This superpower will be employed when people try talking to me about celebrity news or when they ask me how I voted in the last election.
- Wolverines claws – They have to be made out of bamboo so I can use them as back scratchers.
- Make liars instantly start telling the truth – Would go a little something like this: “Sorry I was late. I got stuck in traffic.” becomes “I got stuck in my zipper after abusing myself and caused a traffic jam on the 110.”
- Grow four inches taller – Being average height means never having to reach for things high up in the cupboards, so I want the ability to control when I’m taller.
- Decipher Dylan – I just want to know what all the lyrics to Bob Dylan’s “Tangled Up in Blue” mean. Am I asking for too much?
- Know the definition of every word in Virginia Woolf’s vocabulary – I’m sick of having to stop reading to go look up what terms like “crepuscular” mean.
- Be the llama – Do that thing llamas do when they yark up their esophagus to scare away predators—or is that camels?
- Limited time travel (I’m not greedy) – I just want to be able to go back in time by 30 seconds or so to stop myself from saying horrible, inappropriate things.
- Maintain psychic connection with socks – There is a running joke in our home: If you want cleans socks, go to the store. It’s more expensive than it is funny. I know it sounds cliché but we cannot hang on to socks for more than one use. It’s like my basement is a portal to Bangkok the way they disappear without a trace.
- The ability to steal another writer’s premise with relative impunity. (Thanks, Roz!)