Writing my own eulogy

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to carry on as though this guy was far less of an asshole than he really was.

Benjamin died suddenly after falling off his roof.

The paramedics tried to save him but he fought off their attempts, and they were forced to Taser him until he collapsed in a melange of his own bodily fluids.

Some say he left this world drunk and confused.

Others say he was just drunk.

Either way, he was completely naked—if you don’t count the scarf, boots, and aviator goggles.

Benjamin was a poetic man.

He used to sip his beloved cherry whiskey while reciting prose.

“The fault dear Cassius Clay, is not in the stars but in ourselves,” he would say between drinks.

A deep man, he liked to toast each new glass of spirits with one of his myriad musings.

“Let’s kick sobriety in the nuts,” he’d say, and then he would.

When he wasn’t drinking, Benjamin enjoyed a wide variety of leisure time activities that included withdrawals, eating Taco Bell, and writing filthy homoerotic letters to his brothers, which delighted him greatly but worried his wife.

A simple man, Benjamin enjoyed the simple things in life: sitting in his rocking chair while cleaning his shotgun and saying things like “Storms a-comin’” and “’Bout time to harvest the rutabaga” in his 1840s miner voice.

Benjamin was a gentle, patient man, unless you angered him.

Then he would yell quite loudly and throw things at you.

His favorite thing to throw was shoes and boots, though he was also fond of throwing books and dishes—really anything which could be hurled with malicious intent.

The consummate family man, Benjamin loved his wife dearly, and he never fantasized about running away to Mexico with two strippers, a midget butler and a talking monkey.

A great father (the world’s greatest, according to some coffee cups) Benjamin adored his children and didn’t at all think they were lazy or dumb.

Ben was an animal lover (but not like that one tabloid claimed) and took wonderful care of his Shih Tzu Maisy.

In hopes of decreasing the suffering of all animals, Benjamin also abstained from the eating of meat, except for thin sliced smoked deli turkey, because turkeys are stupid and ugly, and also delicious.

A charitable man, Ben never hesitated to give money to needy single mothers, for he knew that every dollar bill he gave those young dancers would bring them one step closer to the edge of the stage.

Benjamin Gohs wasn’t an educated man. But, despite having dropped out of college after only a half a semester, he had opinions on a great many things.

Ben could always tell when he was smarter than someone else, especially if they disagreed with him.

And, though his answers to the Jeopardy TV show questions were often wrong, he always yelled them the loudest.

What can we say about Benny that hasn’t already been written on the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted list?

Far from a religious man, Ben preferred to put his faith in science.

His final wishes were to be stored in cryogenic suspension so that, if scientists ever figured out a way to cure death by electrocution after falling drunk off a roof, he would be thawed.

He also noted that, while you’re at it, give him horns and one arm that’s a machine gun, plus also laser vision and a built-in jet pack.

Luckily, his wife had him cremated.

Now stay tuned for a performance by special guests Penn & teller.