You can’t make this up

You can’t make this up.

You may think this is made up because it involves Elvis or Donald Trump or eggs with two yolks. However, rest assured in the knowledge that this is not really about any of those mostly real things—nor is this made up.

People like to say “You can’t make this up” when they tell amazing stories about the time their dog got its head stuck in a KFC bucket or how, if you squint your eyes enough, Abe Lincoln looks like Mr. Peanut with his head stuck in a KFC bucket, or maybe it was the one about how aunt Matilda had a peanut allergy and a beard like Abe Lincoln.

Either way, I promise you this is not made up.

You know what else you cannot make up? Jalapeno ice-cream, running shoes for dogs, and Sarah Palin having authored at least four books—in English, no less.

If this were made up, it would be about the time you got high on cocaine and ran down the street pants-less in an “I Heart Huckabees” T-shirt while singing The Pixies “Where Is My Mind” at the top of your lungs.

And then, the next day, your mom kicked you out of the basement until you promised to go to the community mental health clinic. But you were like, “I’m not the one with the eating disorder and gambling addiction, Carole!”

If this were made up, it would be about how gay marriage is to blame for global warming … or global cooling, whichever is worse and also caused by the bumping of weenies.

If this were made up, it would be about how easy it is to get an adorable Shih Tzu puppy to stop leaving her adorable bundles on the rug outside the bathroom door.

But, as was earlier indicated, you can’t make this up. If you paid more attention, you would know that.

Maybe someday, when scientists have solved world hunger, and the Earth is no longer heating (or cooling) at an alarming rate, and Dr. Nussbaum convinces your mother that you’ve got your drug habit under control, and someone has a good explanation for why you have to wade through a goddamn puddle of oil to get to the high-end peanut butter, maybe then you could make this up.

But even then, you couldn’t.

Sure, there are those who misuse the privilege of deciding whether something is or isn’t made up.

Like your friend who said “You can’t make this up” after he claims he found two double-yolk eggs in the same carton, or how your grandma said “You can’t make this up” when she recounted how she saw Elvis in the women’s underwear aisle at Walmart last week and that he winked at her and said “Uh-huh” to himself while he pawed through a bargain bin of crotchless satin undies.

But I think we know better, because double-yolkers are a rare treat, my friend. And, let’s face it, grandma is a fucking liar.

Unlike you, I have plenty of stories which rightfully end with me saying, “You can’t make this up.”

Like this one time, my family was eating fried chicken and somehow the dog got his head stuck—well, never-mind.

Who am I to decide who gets to say what can and can’t be made up? I’m the man with the gold. And, as the saying goes, he who has the gold makes the pancakes. And, as we all know, he who pancake wins!

Regardless of how old you get, or how young your sex doll is, people are always trying to convince you of things that they assure you cannot be not made up.

“You can’t make this up” is especially useful disappointing when dealing with a spouse you lied to about sleeping with her sister and cousin and aunt.

When your kids come to your crappy apartment on the you-can’t-make-this-up side of town one Saturday-a-month, and brag about how cool their new scuba-diving, sky-diving, Ferrari-driving, bull-fighting, sky-writing, name-brand-soda-buying step-dad is, you may get the urge to call bullshit. But he never answers.

And by then you’ve run out of hyphens. So now what, Carole!?

Just remember, while you can’t make this up, you can take solace in knowing you’re not alone.

Book publishers told Michael Crichton, “You can’t make this up!” But he just backed over their azaleas and went home and wrote some story about time traveling alien dinosaurs.

When they told Bill Clinton “You can’t make this up” he just kept sniffing his fingers.

And when they said “Donald Trump, you can’t make this up” irony committed suicide by jumping down a golden elevator shaft and landing on a pile of hairless orangutan corpses.

The moon landing, now that’s another thing you can’t make up. Unless they did make it up. In which case, I’m furious.