Headlines even Buzzfeed won’t use

When I can’t sleep, which is often, my mind sometimes wanders to strange places, like: why isn’t Wilford Brimley president?

And, how come I can’t put bourbon on my cereal?

And, when is Apple going to invent a robotic housekeeper that doesn’t turn on its owner?

I also like to come up with lists.

And, really, what idiot with an internet connection doesn’t?

Recently, after making the mistake of clicking on a link to a Buzzfeed story, wherein I was promised I would find out which fictional ’90s girl is my BFF, I realized that their whole purpose wasn’t just in creating great content but also creating ridiculous headlines that a reader couldn’t possibly resist clicking.

What was supposed to be a quick peek at one story ended up being three hours of swearing at “funny” photos, epic memes and taking quizzes I would never talk about in public.

Apparently, my BFF is Harriet from “Harriet The Spy,” by the way.

After all, who doesn’t want to solve the pressing mysteries behind such greats as “11 things you didn’t know your pet does when you’re not around.”

You know what my pet does when I’m not around?

Shit on the floor.

And I didn’t have to read a fucking BuzzFeed.com article to figure it out.

Just in case you were wondering what your employees actually do all day, I’ve included some real BuzzFeed headlines.

Hey, who doesn’t love cute cats and cleavage? Not together, of course. That would just be weird.

Actual dumb Buzzfeed headlines:

  • 11 horrible things people with tattoos have heard
  • 17 Marvellous ways to eat a creme egg [sic]
  • 9 photos that prove Blake Lively looks good in any era
  • 12 things only girls having a quarterlife crisis will understand
  • If the entire music industry were actually Game of Thrones
  • 19 things you totally didn’t notice in “The Devil Wears Prada”
  • 13 things you didn’t know about eyes

 

Dumb headlines I made up that could easily be used on Buzzfeed articles:

  1. 43 questions Eskimo midgets have to answer (I was gonna try to be PC and say “small Inuits” but who would have understood?)
  2. Which celebrity is your junk?
  3. 5 ways to make a koala bear orgasm
  4. 10 times MacGuyver was a racist
  5. 38 things blah has to blah about blah
  6. Random celebrity nipples
  7. Five minutes with Bill Cosby
  8. 19 contractors who are winning at drywall
  9. 11 things your nose does while you’re sleeping
  10. Which Barney Miller character are you?
  11. That time when white privilege sucked … 19 times
  12. Which Scooby-Doo charater is your gallbladder?
  13. What your farts say about your love life
  14. Why Every Word In A Headline Shouldn’t Be Capitalized
  15. Hitler’s favorite desserts—in alphabetic order
  16. Cartoon cleavage done right
  17. Kill Whitey!
  18. This girl was denied extra BBQ sauce for her chicken nuggets, and what she did next will explode your kidneys
  19. 96 times your big toe was your best friend
  20. Soups we’d serve famous dictators