My little douche coupé

Does every man of waning erection, faltering hairline, wandering desire, frustration of situation and yearning for antithesis of his immediate reality seek the masculine auspices of the penile-enhancing, slimming, young-i-fying V-8 engines of high-priced European sports cars?

The answer is “yes.”

The perks of buying a shiny new European sports car include:

  • You will have somewhere to sleep when your wife finds out you bought a shiny new European sports car.
  • People no longer have to wonder how small your weenis is.
  • The babysitter will be impressed.
  • You can feel pride in knowing you are helping support good-paying jobs for Chinese 5-year-olds.
  • If you weave through traffic quickly enough, people may think you are important or famous or a middle-aged jerk.
  • When you crash your new car you can write off all those costly medical bills.
  • Driving with the top down will give your bald spot a free tan.
  • It’s easier than losing weight and more fun than reading … but not more fun than reading this.
  • All that extra gasoline you burn will help some Persian prince gold plate the helipad on his third largest yacht.
  • With all the service calls on your temperamental new toy, your mechanic will finally be able to afford one of those shiny new European sports cars he’s always wanted to drive.