My midlife crisis Bucket List

  1. Punch a shrimple in the face
  2. Kiss Tom Selleck on the cheek (but would settle for a hug)
  3. Beg a little person for forgiveness (Should probably stop calling them “shrimples”)
  4. Read all Marvel’s “Secret Wars” I and II
  5. Send a death threat to Jimmy Fallon (I’m watching you, laughing boy!)
  6. Get restraining order filed against me by Jimmy Fallon
  7. Moon a cop
  8. Get maced by a cop
  9. Have beer with cop who maced me
  10. Laugh while cop maces someone else
  11. Become pen pals with an Amish
  12. Win a trophy in something, anything
  13. Build something out of LEGOs
  14. Paint a (second) picture of the fabled bat-bunny
  15. Eat a blueberry cheesecake
  16. Get drunk and light off fireworks inside the LEGO creation (kaboom!)
  17. Throw-up most of a blueberry cheesecake
  18. Fly a helicopter around a parking lot (no higher than 10 or 12 feet)
  19. Baba Booey CNN
  20. Meet John Waters for coffee and cigarettes (try not to swoon)
  21. Dip a sleeping person’s hand in warm water to see if they pee the bed (I don’t care if you know it works. I wanna see it for myself.)
  22. Get ass kicked by drowsy person in wet pants
  23. Let a monkey loose in a courthouse
  24. See how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop (without cheating) – Wiggle eyebrows at people while licking, then try to explain to cops you’re not a pervert
  25. Star in 1980s-style sitcom with courthouse monkey (Working title: “Ape-ius Corpus”)
  26. Learn Chinese
  27. Swear in Chinese at a person who does not speak Chinese
  28. Laugh at that person (in Chinese)
  29. Call Buckingham Palace and ask if they have Prince Albert in a can (Warn them of the dangers of mercury poisoning.)
  30. Drink entire bottle of prune juice … and wait
  31. Give a Jehovah’s Witness who comes to my door a Spider Man comic and ask if they’ve heard the good news about Stan Lee … then sick attack hippo on them (Be sure to get attack hippo)
  32. Forward all my mail to the White House and see how long it takes before anyone notices
  33. Go to a church and replace all the organist’s sheet music with death metal
  34. Give a homeless person a bag of money
  35. Dress in drag and perform “I touch myself” in a burlesque theater
  36. Watch movies I’ve never seen: Blade Runner, Vertigo, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
  37. Mix and drink a Shirley Temple
  38. Officiate a gay wedding (What’s with all the gay references, anyway?)
  39. Send batch of Ex-Lax-chip cookies to DMV (sit in lobby and wait)
  40. See both kids living on their own
  41. Shave my head bald again
  42. Sit in a bathtub on a hill at sunset while sipping wine
  43. Eat a piece of apple pie with cheddar cheese on top
  44. Pick up a hitchhiker
  45. Survive hitchhiker attack
  46. Convince cops hitchhiker was not a hooker
  47. Get maced by cop again
  48. Build a dollhouse for wrestling action figures (replica of Pee Wee’s Playhouse should do)
  49. Eat a six-pack of Taco Bell hard shell tacos with beef … and wait!
  50. Run down street naked, screaming “Save me Jesus!”
  51. Get maced again by cop
  52. Get a star named after me
  53. Go drunk driving on a lawnmower
  54. Spend the night in the drunk tank (Go peacefully. Tired of getting maced.)
  55. Get lawnmower out of impound
  56. Return neighbor’s lawnmower
  57. Make hot sauce popsicles for nephews (Should prolly be my nephews and not someone else’s)
  58. Do something hilarious just before I die like maybe say “Pudding pop!” in Bill Cosby voice (this was written before we found out about him) or do the robot. (By “do” the robot, I mean the dance, not make sweet love to a robot.)