I’ve done enough complaining about the writing life lately. So, here’s a piece I wrote seven or eight years ago and then promptly buried out beyond the septic field. It’s utter nonsense but maybe a little bit funny … and a whole lot stupid.
They slash, they stab, they saw, they are all-around inconsiderate to the rest of society.
While Jason, Freddy, Mike and Bubba (aka Leatherface) do spend a good deal of their time terrorizing the populace, murder isn’t their only love.
For the first time (and god knows it should be the last) I take an in-depth look at what our favorite silver screen killers
do in their off time.
Having died at around age 11, yet somehow managed to become an adult-sized hulk of around 6 feet, 8 inches and weighing nearly 300 pounds, Jason Voorhees has spent so many years killing hapless sex-crazed teens that he neglected his own needs.
Now, after extensive psychotherapy and heavy doses of Lithium, Jason is focusing on more “me” time.
Oh, you’ll still find him off in God’s country. But, instead of swinging a machete at foreheads, he’s swinging a nine iron at a Titleist.
“There was a time when I thought there was nothing more to life than stabbin’ sinners,” Voorhees said. “But, the more humping teens I killed, the more depressed I got.”
Voorhees says he has made peace with his mother’s killer, and he’s done his best to make amends with the families of the counselors he massacred.
Recently, he even started a charity called “Jason’s Kids” which provides at-risk inner-city youth with machetes of their own.
“Nowadays, when I hear that ‘Chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha’ sound in my head, I go out and hit a bucket of balls,” said Voorhees. “Don’t get me wrong, I still kill, but I do it for me—and not to impress my mother.”
Life ain’t easy for an undead pedophile with third-degree burns over 99 percent of his body. Try logging that shit into Match.com and see what kind of results you get.
“Dr. Neil Clark Warren can suck a dick,” said Krueger, who doesn’t sugarcoat his long history of racking up body counts.
So, what does a supernatural murdering fiend do when he’s not terrorizing sleep-deprived teenagers?
He volunteers his time as a political fund-raiser, and works the phone bank for various campaigns.
“Sure, I got off to a rocky start with my, ‘Hey, bitch, be sure to vote Democrat on Tuesday’ pitch. But, after some coaching and a whole lot of Vicodin milk, I managed to tone down my vulgar language and penchant for diddling the young people. Listen to me, ‘The young people.’ I sound so old.”
You might be wondering if Freddie is a red- or blue-stater. The answer is, he’s both.
“I tried volunteering at the Catholic church, but even they wouldn’t take me. Something about ongoing scandals and not needing any help scaring small children,” Krueger said with a snort. “Then, one day, while I was jamming a political yard sign through some 15-year-old’s spine, it came to me: Politics is my passion. So, instead of wasting my evil on little brats, I decided I could do some real damage to the world by supporting the never-ending line of money-grubbing scumbags who run this country.”
Krueger had been facing over a dozen life sentences for his horrifying crimes, but the Koch brothers simply donated some cash to a few congressmen and the whole thing went away.
Krueger added, “Democracy, bitches!”
Decidedly not the sharpest ax in the torso, Bubba aka Leatherface is a member of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). Still a devout cannibal, Bubba thinks it unconscionable to eat any animal products or by-products.
You may have seen his now infamous commercial where he uses his chainsaw to quarter a human for eating a cheeseburger. The commercial was banned, of course, because it was real. And, apparently, the producer didn’t have permission to use the particular brand of chainsaw seen on camera.
“Bubba love kitties and puppies, but not to eat,” said Leatherface. “Bubba realize him stance on animal cruelty directly conflict with him pathological desire to kill human but Bubba no perfect. Me believe it Nietzsche who said, ‘Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful.’ But, what me to do?”
He added, “Bubba love kitties and puppies but not to eat.”
Nonetheless, Leatherface has made it his life’s mission to free the world’s animals from the tyranny of meat-eaters by marching with celebrities and unveiling his own line of vegetarian meat substitutes which, ironically, contain 15% human.
Ask your local grocer if he carries “Chainsaw Sunrise” brand luncheon and breakfast meats.
Certainly the quietest of the bunch, Mikey is also the poorest. While Freddie and Jason are supernatural creatures, and even Leatherface has a family home at which to hang his hat—granted, a hat made out of the faces of people—only Michael Myers is homeless.
Of course, that hasn’t stopped him from dressing like a plumber and driving aimlessly around in a van.
And, really, what better occupation is there for an escaped mental patient on the run than the plumbing and heating business?
Have you met my plumber?
While he cannot speak—do to an unfortunate but sexy Lincoln Log incident while in prison—Mr. Myers was able to communicate for this interview through a primitive form of sign language.
He said most of the time he can find worm on a contracting crew for a few weeks, and when his globs are completed, he can collect his gay and hop a bust to the next toon.
In fact, Mike communicated, he has found he enjoys the worm so munch, he maybe just consider salting down someday and opening ump his own shoe, and perhaps even startling a family.
Of course, that’s only if he can get the good Dr. Loomis off his bass long enough to find sweaty work and get set up in a new frown.
Oh, yes, Michael Myers may seem like an absolute psychopath in the movies, what with the stabbing and the choking and the stab-choking and all, but what they don’t tell you about are all the horrible things his doctors did to him while he was serving his sentence in the hospital for the criminally insane plumber.
You’d be a little loopy too if you were subjected to 20-some years of electroshock therapy, heavy doses of long-since-outlawed tranquilizers, Dr. Phil and group therapy with some of the world’s biggest nutcases.
There was also some serious homoerotic farm animal stuff going on that he doesn’t want to get into.
Nowadays, with the advances in anti-depressants and Obamacare’s promise that no one will ever again go without hastily-brought-to-market mystery substances whose side-effects far outweigh any potential benefit, our little Mikey just might have a shot at a normal life … or at least the life of an NFL player.